Wed 12/19/2012
2:35 PMIt was perfect.
All she wanted to do now was kiss me.
So it happened, again and again, as she giggled almost non-stop.
"Heeheehee, what a great excuse!" she purred, as her lips embraced mine once more, and then once more after that.
I threw my arms around her, and the embrace happened again.
This could only be described as pure joy. And it all came about because I'd taped a small piece of mistletoe to my forehead. The simple act of a goodbye kiss had been transformed into something much more.
She went home, and I went to sleep...leaving it on. Maybe it could happen again when I see her tomorrow?
I was awakened by an unfamiliar sound.
It somewhat resembled my stomach, after it'd been struggling for many hours without a proper meal. But I didn't feel hungry.
Then...another unfamiliar sound. Like a hundred saliva bubbles had come out of my mouth and popped in unison. And gurgling. What on earth?
Following this, a tapping noise. I didn't believe in monsters, but it really sounded like something was under my bed. What is this, a children's book?
I turned over onto my stomach, pulled the pillow over my head and attempted to block out whatever it was. But then...I felt something, too. The bed shook. Finally, a tap on my foot.
"AUGH!"
I sat up, startled. Then, I froze.
It was the only possible reaction. Nothing could prepare me for this situation, in which my face was suddenly inches from...another face, belonging to...a creature I couldn't recognize. Well, not until I looked more closely.
It was constructed of garbage. I could tell instantly because all of it had been lying in the various trash cans spread around my apartment. Its chest consisted mostly of crumpled papers I'd tossed out after botched work and junk mail sorting. I noticed the broken umbrella my girlfriend had tossed two days ago was now forming something of a spine. Cardboard tubes from my new posters? Arms. I eat a lot of bananas, but never imagined I'd be looking at banana-peel hair. The omelette I made for my girlfriend last night? The eggshells were back, and now they were staring into my eyes, just as my girlfriend would. And, while preparing a salad for myself yesterday, I'd come upon some rotten lettuce. How, exactly, it was now formed into the shape of lips, I will never understand.
This face, with its eggshell eyes and lettuce lips, was held together mostly by ground beef packaging. It still smelled like ground beef packaging, so it didn't smell particularly wonderful. But it looked at me as affectionately as ground beef packaging could. The lettuce lips curled into a smile, then parted slightly.
"Kissssss meeeeee..."
The lips then drew closer. I then realized what had happened here. This thing actually had been under my bed. And I was still wearing...
...I ripped the mistletoe from my forehead and tossed it into what was now an empty garbage can. Well, someone had been kind enough to empty it, at least.
But the creature did not back off.
"Kissssssssssss meeeeeeee!"
I responded in the only way that seemed appropriate.
"Uh... no thanks?"
The eggshell eyes raised upwards, and the lettuce lips formed a circle, as if it was processing what I'd said. And then...
"AAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Only, this thing didn't exactly have a voice box, so instead of a scream, it was more of a really loud breath/gurgle. To be blunt, it sounded gross. And, even worse...it hadn't backed off even one inch. The raw ground beef smell was as unappetizing as ever.
"I took off the mistletoe. No thanks."
"But WE WERE UNDER IT!" it gurgled.
"I just...really don't...want to."
"BUT WEEEE WERE UNDER IT!!!!!"
......
The sad thing is, its reasoning was sound. We were, in fact, under the mistletoe...so by all accounts, we were practically required to lock lips.
"Is there anything I can do to convince you to back off?"
"NOOOOOOOOO!" gurgled the creature. I could swear that I saw the remnants of egg white on the bottom of the shell start to bubble as it gurgled. Gross...
I pinched myself. Yes, I was awake.
I had no idea what this creature was capable of. For all I knew, it could end my life in a single movement. And while your typical human-shaped monster would have either killed me already or robbed me blind, this thing only wanted...a kiss. So by comparison, for a second, it didn't seem all that bad...
"Okay, one kiss."
The wilted lettuce formed a smile.
Best not to think about it, right? Best to just get it overwith.
It started to lean in closer.
The smell of dead cow engulfed me. I almost retched, but managed to regain my composure.
Closer.
I could see the wet, rotten, wilted, poor excuse for lettuce drawing near. It looked to be about as slimy as seaweed. I've eaten seaweed before, it's not so bad, right?
I hadn't noticed up until this point, but its nose was made out of an apple core. It had been the first thing I threw away following the last time I emptied the trash, so it had been there the longest. I thought I spotted a bit of mold growing on it. I then forced myself to look only at the lettuce. I mean, seaweed. Just think of it as seaweed...
Wait, wasn't there more of i--
--I had no more time to think. The "lips" surrounded mine, almost consuming them entirely. They felt cold, wet, and generally unattractive. I felt a pair of cardboard tubes grab my back and pull me closer, into the seaweed.
And then, it happened.
What felt like a solid block--well, as solid as slimy, wilted, rotten lettuce could be, I suppose--threw itself past my lips, into my mouth, and assaulted my tongue.
It took every inch of my fortitude not to gag.
The happy-sounding noises of gurgling passing through my ears were simply repulsive.
Its "tongue" began to caress mine.
I made the mistake of breathing through my nose, as my mouth was busy. The dead cow smell filled my head and overwhelmed what was left of my resolve. I could feel myself losing consciousness...
Ding-dong.
Ding-dong.
"Mmmmmm...?"
Ding-dong.
Oh, right, that's my doorbell.
I stretched. How long had I been asleep, exactly?
I stumbled out of bed and began to make my way towards the front door of my apartment.
I tripped over a broken umbrella. ...wait, what was that doing here?
Then, in an instant, I remembered everything.
"Hey, are you there? Where are you?"
Simple, sweetie, I'm looking around my bedroom, which is covered in garbage. Everything that the creature had been made of was strewn about the room. How would I explain this? I didn't even have any pets. Oh, well, maybe she'll believe my story. Either way, a kiss from her could really help right now...
I stumbled over the piles of trash, made my way to the door and opened it.
"Well, good afternoon, s--EEEP!!! UGH, WHAT THE HELL?!!"
She slammed the door in my face.
Purely by instinct, I ran into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. I could hear my girlfriend's car starting.
My face was covered in lip-marks. Clearly, someone had been kissing me. And judging from the color and texture of the lip-marks, obviously I'd been cheating on my sweet girlfriend with a ball of seaweed.
I turned to my left to face the full-body mirror on the opposite wall. Oh, good, it was just on my face...
...except for the large wad of dried, rotten lettuce in a certain place. Where my pants had been, when I'd gone to sleep.
As I felt myself losing consciousness for the second time, only one thought dominated my mind:
"No more mistletoe..."
Anonymous (Sat 2/16/2013, 9:11 PM):
"But it looked at me as affectionately as ground beef packaging could."
Best. WTF. Line. Ever.