Mon 12/24/2012
4:21 PM"Mommy! Mommy! Santa came down the chimney!"
"What?"
Mommy ran over to find that a rather odd-looking fellow had appeared in the living room, covered with soot. He was a lot more skinny than the stereotypical Santa and looked somewhat pale. He was grinning much like Santa would be on Christmas Eve, but due to this grin, one could see a pair of large fangs sticking out of his mouth.
"Hey, wait! If you're Santa, where's your bag of toys?"
Mommy just eyed "Santa," somewhat confused.
"My bag? Oh, I left my wife at home! Ah, ah, ah, ah!"
Mommy thought she heard drums and a cymbal. Mommy fainted.
"If you don't have any toys, you're not Santa...you just suck!"
"Why, yes! Yes, I do! Ah, ah, ah, ah!"
From outside the house, one could hear a young child screaming.
"Here, come sit on Santa's lap! Ah, ah, ah, ah!"
The little pig-tailed girl got on top of a somewhat-lanky, pale-looking Santa Claus. Her father wore a confused look.
"What's your name, little one?"
"My name's Jenny!"
"Oh, hello, Jenny! Nice to eat you! Ah, ah, ah, ah!"
From across the food court, two teenage boys were eating lunch. They were used to lots of video game violence, so they didn't even look away when they heard the screaming.
"How's the horseradish sauce on that sandwich?"
"It's... alright, but...much weaker than I expected. I was hoping it would have...more of a bite."
"I can solve that problem! Ah, ah, ah, ah!"
It was easier for the boys to notice the screaming when they were the ones producing it.
"All you have to do is sign here. Ah, ah, ah, ah!"
Joe was feeling pretty down, having just been laid off from his job, and needing to take a temporary position as a mall Santa to make ends meet. After all, nobody says "I want to be a mall Santa when I grow up," right?
So naturally, he grumbled a bit and hesitated before signing at the dotted line.
"Ah, good! Now I can eat you! Ah, ah, ah, ah!"
The manager, clearly not your conventional Santa at all, revealed two large fangs protruding from his mouth.
"Wait, what...what the hell?!"
"You missed a clause in the contract! I call it...the Santa Clause! Ah, ah, ah, ah!"
"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Joe was feeling even more down, now. Down, and out.
"They think I'm just a mall Santa. But no! I'm the MAUL Santa! Ah, ah, ah, ah!"
Be careful in your dealings with pale, somewhat-skinny Santa Claus look-alikes on Christmas...
"brightsuzaku" (Fri 12/28/2012, 9:39 PM):
OK, I'M HIDING NOW. Am I glad I don't have a chimney! Please don't tell me he ate Count von Count, to!
Wait, can vampires eat other vampires, I wonder?
"Amy" (Sat 2/16/2013, 9:07 PM):
You know you've made a fantastic pun when the reader/listener wants to punch you after you've made it.
You sir, are going to have bruises to last you a long time.
