I used to love Pop-Tarts. Strawberry frosted were my favorite.

That was, at least, before I became an inter-galactic superhero.

Then, being as well-known as I was, and rich beyond most people's wildest dreams, I could have whatever I wanted. I got to taste things most people never even learn how to pronounce...every day. If I wanted organic, cage-free eggs laid by the plumpest, healthiest of hens in my backyard, topped with melted cheese made from milk produced by my cows, that same morning, then I could make it happen...with caviar on top, from fish caught in my private lake, from my private yacht. Yes, this was the life.

While I was living said life, unbeknownst to me, Kellogg's--the company that always produced Pop-Tarts, ever since I was a wee lad--fell on hard times. Led directly into the ground by a misguided CEO and a corrupt board of directors, Kellogg's stock price plummeted and the company was forced to sell its properties to the highest bidders. While a little-known bakery company won the right to produce Pop-Tarts from that point forward, they, too, were horribly mis-managed... and due to a series of bad decisions and selfish, possessive behavior surrounding the intellectual property, a dark age began. An age of no Pop-Tarts...and just when I was feeling reminiscent. Despite my ability to obtain just about any food item that did, or could, exist, I was unable to get the thing I wanted most at that moment.

The fools would not sell the rights to produce them. No matter how much money I offered them, the answer was always the same.

And then, I heard a rumor... that, on a distant planet, there were Pop-Tarts. Lots of them. EVERYWHERE.

Now, there were a few voices that literally begged me not to go. They muttered things like "you have no idea what they're capable of!" and "they care not about their own lives!" and even "don't look into their big moe eyes!" What does that even mean, anyway? But I'd rescued princesses, defeated warlords and taken on entire armies, all with one tiny ship. And no matter what, I would not be denied. I jumped into my trusty Viper and set off in search of the Pop-Tarts that would surely be mine.

It took three whole days, but I finally reached the planet. The atmosphere was remarkably similar to Earth's, so I didn't need life-support gear of any kind. I found a safe spot to land, grabbed a couple of light concealable weapons just in case, and prepared to disembark...

I climbed out of the ship and took a good look around. It resembled Earth in many ways, but...it was really dark. I couldn't hear anything, except for...wait, what was that? Off in the distance...it almost sounded like...music.

And then, I saw the first of my Pop-Tarts.

But by that moment, it was already too late.

Now...I hear the music clearly.

And it won't stop. It won't ever stop.

I'm miserable, and I want to die, but I can't stop smiling. I'm forced into this...cheerful state. Except that my cheer is a lie.

All I want to do is take my own life. But even if I fly into something at high speed, I simply bounce off. I can't die, and I can't stop the music.

My fame and fortune is fading into memory.

This is my new reality.

You say
You don't want to be a burden
You say
You'd lash out in my direction
But I know
You hide yourself behind a curtain
I know
about your longing to see the reflection
in your eyes, of a warm embrace
Undisguised, we are face to face
We'll fight your pain, we can rise above,
Pain becomes painless in the face of love...

This has been replaced by a newer version.

There was supposed to be a recipe or something here. But, I decided, why not just do this?

Boring 12-Minute Video (file removed to free up space, let me know if you want it again)

My convenient little Sony video camera decided to completely screw up the audio sync, so I had to re-sync it and re-encode the video, which is why it took a little longer than it otherwise would have (and why there are a few pauses in the audio towards the beginning). Blame Sony for that, as I'm doing the same. lol

The dame had been in the wrong place at the wrong time. She was a good kid, but now...her brain's all scrambled, like pepper jack eggs. I had to get to the bottom of it.

Clearly responsible was this one fella. He really got to this kid...mumblin' all sorts of garbage like you never heard in your life. I felt like maybe, with a little convincing, I could get him to tell the truth.

So I had the boys grab him and bring him to Lacy's bar. They tied him up all nice and tight, set him up in the back. He couldn't run, couldn't hide. I was gonna get the answers I wanted. I smacked him up a little bit...after all, a guy's more honest when he's tastin' his own blood, right?

"Alright, let's get started, big guy...could ya explain to me what kind of funny business you were up to last night? Around 8:30, in the amphitheater?"

"There is nothing funny about the teachings of the Son of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Yea, his teachings are good and just."

There he goes. Talkin' about that Jesus Christ guy again, speakin' in riddles. Is he some kind of big boss from the other side of town? Where is he? Is he responsible for this?

"Listen up, fella. Where can I find this Jesus Christ?"

"You can find Jesus Christ everywhere around you...from the winds blowing off the ocean, to the valleys filled with grain, all the way to the mountaintops in the West."

"What?! What kind of nonsense are you talkin' about?"

"Look around you."

Was there some guy behind me? I whirled around, ready to draw my gun at a moment's notice. But there was nobody there.

"Can you feel it?"

"Feel what, you kook?!"

"The presence of Jesus Christ, of course. Even in a place like this, you can feel Him all around you."

"I ain't feelin' nobody, and nobody brought me no presents!"

"Material things are only temporary. But the love of Jesus Christ is forever. Accept Him, and cast away the need for such--"

I smacked him in his big fat mouth.

"Shuttup! You're givin' me the worst kind of headache! Now, YOU listen to me! I don't want no more riddles, see? I want you to give me the answers I'm looking for!"

"Jesus Christ has all the answers you seek..."

"Who is Jesus Christ?! Is he your boss?!"

"No...in the end, it is up to us as to whether we accept His gospel..."

I smacked him again.

"Ungh!"

Maybe I can beat the truth out of him, 'cause he don't seem to want to give it up any other way.

"How do you like that?"

"I don't...like it very much..."

"Well, if you don't want my fist livin' in your face for good, you'll start tellin' me what I wanna hear!"

"...the words...of Jesus Christ...should be enough...to satisfy...anyone's desire for knowledge..."

I was startin' to get frustrated. This is goin' nowhere fast. I raised my gun to his ugly mug.

"...AAAHHHHH!!!"

"So NOW, maybe, you'll tell the truth?"

"I~always~speak~the~truth~of~the~Son~of~our~Lord~and~Savior~Jesus~Christ!!"

I don't get it. He's still speakin' in riddles, only now he's doin' it faster, lookin' all scared. Maybe...maybe I needed to take a step back. I put my gun away and took a seat.

"Alright...what do you say we start over? How about this?"

I pulled out a picture of the dame from last night. She'd come to us in a daze, babblin' away, mentionin' this Jesus guy, lookin' drunker than a bum in a bar for too long. Not her best picture, but good enough to know what she looks like.

"You recognize her? You remember seein' her yesterday?"

"Why, yes...she came to me in need of answers, much like yourself."

"Huh?"

"She sought direction... guidance. You look like you could use some, as well..."

"With all due respect, I'm fine with what I've got. ...wait, hold on a sec! Don't play with me...I need you to answer my questions!"

"As I said, Jesus Christ has all the answers."

Now, we're runnin' in circles. I lost my temper again. I pounded the table in front of me and stood up.

"WHERE IS MR. CHRIST, NOW?"

"He is right here, with us."

"Bullshit! We're the only two people in this room!"

"He is always with us...he is always watching over everyone."

"..."

What the...?!

"So...are you meanin' to tell me that there's some kinda Peepin' Tom lookin' on every time I take a shit?! Is that what you're sayin'?!"

"I'm saying that the son of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, is always there to give you direction."

"I DON'T NEED NO STINKIN' DIRECTIONS! I KNOW WHERE THE HELL I'M GOIN'!"

"But do you really? Are you satisfied with your life?"

"WHO'S INTERROGATIN' WHO, HERE?"

This time I smacked him with my piece. (...my gun, ya perv.) I didn't know what else to do. He's twistin' my words in circles. None o' this makes sense to me. All I wanted was some information. Now I'm told about some mighty gang leader, or Peepin' Tom or somethin' I don't even know. I don't know where to go from here. I'm not sure whether I should buy this guy a drink or shoot him in his face. I struggled to catch my breath.

Okay. I won't be tripped up again. I'm goin' to start over, and I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.

"Listen. I'm gonna ask you a question, and I want you to answer. I don't want to know from no Jesus Christ, I want YOU to just answer the question, alright?"

"Alright."

"Okay, so where were you last night?"

"I was at the amphitheater."

"And what were ya doin'?"

"I was...a witness."

"...wait, was someone else with you?"

"The girl in the picture."

"Someone else?"

"..."

"Did you witness a crime!?"

"Oh, no, sir, absolutely not."

"Then what did you witness?"

"...well...every day I witness the wonders of the Son of our Lord and Savior..."



-----



He was the best detective on the force. There was no case he couldn't solve...no interrogation he couldn't handle, no bad guy he couldn't nab.

That was before yesterday.

I saw him this morning...he was a mess, a shadow of his former self, babbling something about a witness and some Christ something-or-other.

We found this guy at Lacy's and took him back to the station for questioning. He looked confused, like he didn't know he'd done anything wrong. But I swear, I'll get to the bottom of this...



-----



"Hey, didya hear about that town in Massachusetts?"

"Which?"

"Somerville, I think it was? I heard a rumor that the entire police force went insane and killed themselves."